Step 2 - Emotion regulation (part 1)
Dealing with emotions
How you are attached also determines how you handle positive and negative emotions. Emotions are a part of who we are. We often react from the emotion, because there is not always time to think calmly.
We distinguish between positive and negative emotions. The positive emotions are not directly linked to survival. They allow for better health, more resilience and more connection with others. The negative emotions allow for immediate reaction to ‘danger’.
Action:
- Step 2 you go through individually. It is important not to consult with your partner.
- In this step, we will go deeper into emotion regulation. Try to determine for yourself what applies to you and your partner.
- Write down how you deal with emotions and how your partner does. Think here of anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, surprise, amusement, contentment, embarrassment, excitement, guilt, pride and shame.
- Lead time: at least 1 week.
How emotions work
Emotions are an efficient means of communication for humans that we mostly use non-verbally. Think of a facial expression, body language. In addition, we also have verbal communication where the sound of the voice says a lot about our mood. Emotions also cause ‘herd behavior’ with the result that positive emotions from your partner also make you happier and vice versa.
Attachment and emotions
Secure or fearful attachment have a direct effect on dealing with emotions. In secure attachment, the child learns when he or she cries that the parent is coming to see and that his or her feelings matter. The baby learns that hunger, pain, discontent and cold can be reduced by parental involvement. The child learns to realistically assess danger.
A child who grows up in an environment of violence, abuse or where parents have no regard for the child’s best interests has difficulty with emotion regulation. To the child, danger threatens everywhere and he does not trust adults. The child’s danger sensors are constantly on, even when it is not necessary. This leads to a constant feeling of tension and stress which often turns into behavioral problems, making oneself invisible and physical complaints.
The estimation for right and wrong situations is disturbed, causing them to overestimate themselves. Naming and describing emotions is underdeveloped. Living in chronic stress makes it difficult to apply self-reflection and share this with others they can trust. Emotions are often intense, overwhelming and difficult for fearfully attached children to understand.
Deal with
If you think you need help improving your emotion regulation, you might consider consulting a psychotherapist.