Relationship time-out
The relationship time-out is the last straw to see if the relationship can be saved. Seeing if you are going to miss your partner is the goal of the relationship time-out. To have the best chance of a successful time-out clear rules are needed.
In a relationship time-out, you temporarily move apart so that you can feel clear. If children are involved, depending on the age, it is important to explain to them very clearly what the purpose of the time-out is. After all, one of the parents is going to be temporarily living elsewhere.
Purpose of time-out
There is no end date attached to the relationship time-out, as this can cause decision stress. It is also not the intention to let the time-out last for years. The first goal is to relax the relationship, get some energy and then feel if there is a lack of partner. As long as you do not find peace, it is very difficult to experience partner absence.
Real Feeling
The out-of-house partner may feel a little displaced at first because it is strange at first. What can help is to make the space where you are staying as homey as possible. The point is that you want to experience a partner’s loss and not the loss of your home, the coziness of your family and children (if applicable).
Where will you stay
Depending on your financial space and available living space, there are several ways you can think of for a time-out. Renting a room from family or friends can be an option, where it’s important that you have enough space to retreat to. And if you have nowhere to go at all, then a time-out in the same home may be an option. This is not ideal when you do run into each other. This way you don’t get the peace and distance that is needed.
Rules
You make agreements with your partner about the finances, the household, the children and preferably you put them in an email or on paper, so that everyone knows what he or she has to comply with. In practice, there are always issues that you had not thought of, then an SMS or App message asking for an ad hoc response can be a solution. Keep in mind that you should not start whole conversations, but keep communicating to the point as much as possible.
The most important rule is that during time-out, you do not establish or maintain an intimate relationship with any other person!
Contact moments
A relationship time-out is not forever, so regular contact moments are needed. You and your partner agree on when you will see each other. The first time is at the earliest 14 days after one of the partners has left home.
The appointment to talk together is always on neutral ground outside the home. You can ask a neutral third person to guide the conversation if you think it is necessary.
Social safety net
In a difficult period like a time-out, it is important that you can tell your story to someone you trust. If there is no one in your immediate surroundings, you can also make an appointment with a relationship coach. Talking will also give you new insights. And if there is no one you can turn to, you can also express your thoughts on paper.
Battery charging
You are confronted less or not at all and this, if all goes well, lowers the tension. You have gone through a tumultuous period that has taken a lot of energy. It is time to recharge the battery.
How you do this is personal and you make it your own. Doing things you didn’t have time for and that give you energy helps recharge the battery. Often a lot of sleep also helps.
What am I missing?
It is important during time out to identify what you are really missing. There are a number of crucial questions that can help you do this. You can answer these quietly in your notebook and evaluate for yourself weekly whether it is still the case. If you get further in time, you may find that your thinking is more nuanced.
Action:
Take your time answering the questions calmly if you are not emotional.
Help questions
- Do I miss having a good conversation with my partner?
- Do I miss a physical connection with my partner?
- Do I miss attention from my partner?
- Do I miss anything at all from my partner?
- Do I miss the sociability of my children?
- Do I miss the presence of my children?
- Do I miss the dynamics of family life?
- Do I miss anything at all about family life?
- Do I miss the house and my things?
- Do I miss having a place for myself?
- Do I miss home at all?
Do I miss the attention of family, friends or colleagues? - Do I miss passion in my life?
- Do I miss excitement in my life?
- Am I missing confidence in myself?
- What do I miss in my own life?
- What do I miss from my family?
- What do I miss from home?
- Is there anything I miss in my own life?
Progression
It’s quite natural that as a partner you want to know where you stand. Where are we in the process? This is a question for which there is no concrete answer. You can observe the progress and it can be confronting. You can observe positive and negative elements; good (learned) communication is very important in the future, whatever the outcome of the time-out may be. During the contact moments it is important that both partners feel safe enough to indicate boundaries. It is structurally important that you continue to gauge what is important to you and your partner. Not only now, but also what the wishes are for a possible future after a restart.
Positive characteristics
- You see positive changes in your partner
- Your partner gives you space and puts your happiness first
- You notice that you have started to communicate better
- Dealing with each other is relaxed and pleasant
- You solve problems
- The contact moments are nice
- A deeper connection begins to develop with your partner
- You miss your partner
Negative characteristics
- The time-out is awkward and tense
- Your partner does not give you space and you do not feel free
- Your partner does not show any change
- Contact moments are unpleasant
- Problems are not solved
- The bond remains superficial or deteriorates
- You do not miss your partner, despite having peace and more energy
Decision
The decision to make a go-around or to end the relationship is radical and emotional. Through the relationship time-out you have been able to feel if there is feeling and a go-around can be made. The advice is not to make a decision yet as long as you are tired and have no energy. If you are very emotional, even then it is not a good time to decide. If it is clear whether you want to continue or not, it is respectful to your partner to discuss this as soon as possible.
Relaunch
When both partners want to move on you enter a new phase, the go-around.
Remark
It is recommended that you do not immediately return to the pattern of living before the time-out. Go back step by step to a life together (with the family). By doing this you avoid high expectations. The relationship still needs improvement.
Quit
As sad as it is, if a relaunch is out of the question, then it is wise to extend the time-out. You still have a life ahead of you. Everything you learned in couples therapy you can take with you into the rest of your lives.