Step 1a Attachment variants
Secure attachment
When parents are physically and emotionally present for the child, a secure attachment usually develops. This is separate from childbirth which may have been perceived as unsafe by the baby.
A securely attached child can better regulate their emotions, manage themselves, is socially adept and resilient. Has empathy for others and problem-solving skills. He or she can pretend (play symbolically), develops intellectual ability, can communicate well with others and is language competent. Self-esteem is good.
In relationship
Secure attachment has a positive effect on the rest of the child’s life, including relationships with others. About 66% of children are securely attached. The effects of insecure attachment can be mitigated by a good relationship with your partner or by attending therapy. If you are securely attached you are warm and loving towards your partner. You take life as it comes and enjoy it as much as possible. You have a good rapport with your partner and can interpret his or her signals well, you express your wishes, needs and feelings. You share your frustrations and successes with your partner and you support your partner when necessary.
Fearful attachment
An fearfully attached child is afraid to rely on himself and feels overly dependent on the parents. It tends to cling to the parents. This pattern emerges when parents react too violently in the child’s experience. If a fear arises in the parents that they cannot comfort or reassure the child, the child feels this, which causes him to panic even more.
The child does not learn to deal with his or her emotions properly. Because of the lack of reassurance that these emotions will pass, the child does not learn that emotions are part of life. This makes it difficult for the child to deal with failures in life. Problem solving skills are less developed and the child is unsure of him/herself.
Fearful attachment can arise from a variety of factors and sometimes a combination of factors. You can think of the possibility that the child was physically or sexually abused or neglected during the childhood years of his or her life. It can also occur because the mother was under a lot of stress during pregnancy, or used alcohol, drugs or medications during this period. Other factors may include a difficult delivery, premature birth, need for medical intervention immediately after birth, postpartum depression of the mother, unwantedness of the baby, loss of a parent or caregiver, adoption and foster care.
Attachment problems are as common in boys as in girls. In practice, they are often misdiagnosed. Boys are often diagnosed with ADHD and girls with autism or PDD-NOS. Often there appears to be an attachment issue, but that is not always properly investigated.
In relationship
You want to be close to your romantic partner and can also be very intimate. You may doubt that the other person wants that as much as you do. Your relationship costs you a lot of emotional energy and you wonder if your relationship is good enough. Small signals from your partner you also pick up on, you are always on. Changes in your partner’s mood are easily blamed on you and you quickly feel negative emotions in yourself and in your relationship. You get upset easily. This leads to arguments where you regret your impulsive, verbal expressions afterwards. If your partner can offer a lot of safety and reassurance, then your fears diminish and you feel satisfied in your relationship.
Avoidant attachment
An avoidantly attached child will withdraw from contact with the parents because the child does not trust that the parents will be there for him or her. This occurs because the parents react in a dismissive way, ignore the child, trivialize or their reaction does not fit the child’s needs.
This form of attachment occurs during the time when the child cannot yet make verbal contact. As a result, the child starts to rely on himself alone and pushes the parents away.
In relationship
Within a relationship, it is important for you to maintain autonomy and independence. You desire a certain degree of autonomy and yet you want closeness in relationships, while also finding much closeness uncomfortable. You like to keep your partner at a certain distance. You are not very involved in your relationship and you do not worry about rejection. Because you do not open up to your partner easily, he or she will complain about your emotional distance and closed mind. Control by your partner feels oppressive and you quickly find that your partner determines everything.
Fearful-Avoidant attachment
This variant has the combination of fearful and avoidant attachment. If you recognize the description of both attachment variants a lot in yourself, then there is probably a fearful-avoidant attachment. Many trauma survivors have a fearful-avoidant attachment. On the one hand they are clinging and on the other hand they are rejecting, because they do not trust anyone.
In relationship
Within a relationship, narcissism can be quickly spoken of because it is a characteristic of repulsion and attraction. It is also the characteristic for a fearfully-avoidantly attached partner. On the one hand it is about attracting and on the other hand about repelling. The behavior is unpredictable and emotionally unregulated. It is difficult to have a partner around you and on the other hand you do not want to be left alone.
Disorganized attachtment
In the online couples therapy we do not address disorganized attachment. For the sake of completeness, we do want to mention it. The partner with this form of attachment shows inconsistent behavior. This occurs when the parents are not consistent. The child experiences unpredictable behavior from the parents each time. Parents with unpredictable behavior stemming from trauma or problems have difficulty creating a safe environment for the child which can lead to psychological problems in the child’s later life.